拼湊傑夫

咨商功課之記情緒調節

我的臨床心理治療師在每次咨商后,都會給我一個列表,要我自己去看看相關的一些文章。這陣子除了不太積極的工作外,我還趕著完成一個工作相關的課程,所以遲到今天才開始好好正式閲讀。畢竟還是得好好寫筆記,就想説直接記載到這裏好了。但話説在前頭,我畢竟不是心理學專家,所以本篇筆記,是完全沒有參考價值的,本人一概不承擔任何後果(aka本人立場不代表本人立場),必要時自己去找臨床心理治療師。

雖然説發佈在這主要服務對象是我,但是畢竟是公開的,所以如果有人不幸找到此篇筆記,然後看到引用部分全部英文的話,很抱歉我沒有提供翻譯服務。

學習如何應對情緒

第一篇的功課,就是這篇處理情緒最短的指引。

When we are confronted with difficult emotions like anxiety, depression, stress, grief, anger, or loneliness, we are quick to search for the off-button on our emotional dashboard instead of taking in the messages they contain.

Steven C. Hayes, Ph.DThe Shortest Guide to Dealing with Emotions

或許我該學會的,就是在決策時停下來想一下自己情緒的需要,而不是永遠以對方的便利為優先考量。

But emotions are not the problem. They are merely messengers. And the messages they carry deserve at least to be heard. They often contain important lessons, and can call us to helpful actions. Often they show us opportunities.

面對利己的事情,我們一般都會感到喜悅。但是遇到比如不公之事,則會感到憤怒。憤怒不見得是負面的事情,我們可以因爲憤怒而表達自己的意見。比如在面對有人插隊的時候,向那個仆街表達這樣會占用了我和後面人的時間請你自己去排隊。

When emotions arise, you can ask yourself: “What am I feeling right now?” and “Where can I feel it?” and “What does my emotion ask me to do?” and “What does this suggest I am yearning for?”

專注問題的當兒,撥出一點時間照顧好自己情緒的需求,也是必要的。

We like feeling this way, and never want it to stop, and so we cling onto this pleasant feeling, in the hopes of never losing it. Or we detune so it won’t be noticed when it stops, as if being numb is the definition of happiness. We dislike feeling this way, so we push it away as if feelings are the enemy.

至於喜悅,有趣的是有人爲了不感受結束的失落,而選擇完全的忽略。但凡事有兩面,有極力排斥,就有極力把握然後不願鬆手的。至於我是不是那個忽略的人呢?我曾經問過身邊的人,很多都說很少看到我快樂的樣子。

Feelings are not just about like and dislike. They are how our past and present impact us. They help train our ability to notice what is present, based on what we’ve experienced in the past.

某程度這是提醒要更活在當下這件事情吧。

Allowing emotions to be there when they occur, to listen closely to their message, to feel them fully with neither clinging nor needless defense, allows them to serve their proper role.

所以在決策前,我們應該好好聆聽透過情緒傳達的訊息這樣。

情緒調節

Emotion regulation is the ability to exert control over one’s own emotional state. It may involve behaviors such as rethinking a challenging situation to reduce anger or anxiety, hiding visible signs of sadness or fear, or focusing on reasons to feel happy or calm.

Psychology Today Staff – Emotion Regulation

其實如何跟情緒共處,是一門學問了呢。

emotion regulation often involves what experts call “down-regulation,” or reducing the intensity of emotions. A grieving person might down-regulate his sadness by recalling something amusing. An anxious person may cope by distracting herself from the thought that is causing her anxiety. Emotion regulation can also include “up-regulation,” or amping up one’s emotions, which can be useful when an imminent danger or challenge calls for a healthy dose of anxiety or excitement.

調節的方向有兩個,down-regulation,就是減低情緒的强度,而up-regulation則是增强。

The process model of emotion regulation proposed by psychologist James Gross emphasizes that people can act to control their emotions at different points in time—including before they feel an emotion (“antecedent-focused emotion regulation”) and after they have already begun to react emotionally (“response-focused emotion regulation”).

時間點也是關鍵,情緒調節的時機可以發生在當下或前後。

Emotion dysregulation is a component of certain forms of mental illness. Over time, it could have a negative impact on one’s personal well-being and social relationships.

所以情緒調節的失常,可以是精神疾病的其中一個部分。

Certain ways of regulating emotion regulation, such as regularly bottling them in, may also be associated with lower well-being and satisfaction with relationships.

所以長期的忽略,會影響身心健康和對人際關係的滿意度。

這篇是引言文,然後點擊下來就是數不完的文章,所以下一頁我就節選幾篇出來好了

情緒是什麽?

所以情緒由三個部分組成

A bodily component in the form of central nervous system arousal, as when you experience your heart go aflutter in the presence of a love interest or when you tremble in fear.

Jeffrey S. Nevid, Ph.D., ABPPThe ABCs of Emotions

生理上的反應

A cognitive component, which includes the subjective feeling of the emotion, which we label as fear, love, joy, anger, and so on, as well the judgments we make about our life experiences that trigger emotional reactions (back to this in a moment).

思維的部分

The behavioral component, the third “side” of the emotional coin, is the outward expression of an emotion in overt behavior, such as smiling when happy or approaching someone we love or moving away from a feared object or situation.

行爲的部分

在Cognitive-behavioral therapy的角度來看

Let me explain using a simplified ABC model, as proposed by psychologist Albert Ellis. The “A” stands for an activating event that sets the stage for an emotional response. The “B” stands for beliefs or judgments we make about the event, and the “C” represents the emotional consequences, such as anger, anxiety, sadness, guilt, worry, or for positive events, perhaps joy or happiness.

情緒的產生,是由一件事情(A)觸發判斷(B)進而使之產生(C)。

The emotional consequence (C) isn’t the direct result of the A (activating event) itself, but of the exaggerated or catastrophizing way of thinking (the B) that cognitive-behavioral therapists call a cognitive distortion.

所以情緒不是有一件事情直接觸發,而是中間經過了我們的判斷而產生。

In other words, life experiences are filtered through our belief systems that, in turn, trigger our emotional responses.

而判斷是來自生活經驗的纍積,也就是説當別人對你造謠時,是你的個人經驗使得你判斷這對你不友善,於是才開始憤怒。

認可你的情感

In order to validate and regulate emotions, it’s necessary to be aware that you are experiencing them in the first place.

Mallory Frayn Ph.D.How to Validate Your Emotions

首先要注意的,就是要對情緒的波動有感知

There are three questions you can ask yourself to prompt your awareness of emotions: What am I feeling physically? What am I thinking? What emotional label would I put on this experience?

其實很有趣的是,有時候我們真的必須要這樣反問自己,來厘清自己的感覺。

Paying attention to physical sensations is a helpful starting point because emotions usually present themselves in our bodies to motivate us to action.

身體的感受也是情緒宣泄的管道(比如情緒高昂的時候心跳會加速)。

Thoughts are also helpful to attend to because they provide some context as to what your emotions are communicating to you about your needs and whether or not they are being met.

所以在考慮事情的時候,隨之牽動的情緒也在傳達情感的需求。

Allowing yourself to feel your feelings—to lean in, rather than lean away—can show you that you’re capable of riding the waves of emotion. Because emotions are temporary experiences, they will reduce in intensity over time. Not allowing them to run their course can in fact make them feel more intense for longer, like trying to fight the tide.

所以在遇到事情的時候,停下來感受一下情緒情感的需求是重要的。

Three simple words can go a long way in working to acknowledge and validate how you feel, and they are as follows: “That makes sense.”

人是應該有情緒的

They are a reaction to something that is happening in our environment, a threat detection system as it were, and they don’t pop up out of nowhere.

而且不應當視爲不可理喻的。

In some cases, after being present to your feelings and allowing them to run their course, you may realize that this in and of itself was all that you needed in that moment. Other times, after the intensity of the emotion has reduced, you may want to address whatever led to the emotion in the first place.

有時候情感需求是需要滿足的

The key here is to wait to problem-solve your way out of an emotion until you’ve actually gone through it. If you jump right into figuring out what you need to do to make it go away, you’re effectively telling yourself that you shouldn’t be feeling what you’re feeling, which is a sure-fire way to make it worse.

所以關鍵詞是不要急於反應。

情緒調節攻略

The benefits of reappraisal extend beyond the emotional realm. People who reappraise are less depressed, more satisfied with their lives, have higher self esteem, and greater optimism and well-being; they are also seen by others as more having closer relationships and being more likeable.

Amie M. Gordon, Ph.D.The Good and Bad of Emotion Regulation Strategies

學會從不同角度解讀正在發生的事情,有助產生更爲正面的情緒。如之前説的,情緒的產生是基於對事件的判斷。如果改變對事情的看法,看來或許會有不同的後果。

When people are told to suppress their emotions during experiments, they express fewer negative emotions, but they still report experiencing as many negative emotions as people who aren’t told to suppress.

所以即便壓抑情緒,這些人仍然會感受到負面的情緒

Although suppression doesn’t dampen people’s experience of negative emotions (just their expression of them) it does seem to have an adverse effect on people’s positive emotions.

同樣的,正面的情緒也會因爲慣性的關係而受到壓抑。

People who suppress more also have less social support, avoid getting close to others, and are seen by peers as having fewer close relationships.

這就是咨商師希望告訴我的重點,情緒的表達可以在人際關係的建立發生效用。當一個人表達自己傷心的時候,身邊的人才會有機會接收到訊息而前往關切。

The key reason why suppression was associated with poor well-being and relationship quality? It made people feel inauthentic. Suppressing their emotions made people feel like they were holding back their true selves.

所以情感的表達,也是坦誠的一部分。

所以大致上都在重複以上説的,就是可以的話,不要當下急於反應。就算不能做到停下來,事後也要反省避免下次再度發生這樣。另一部分咨商師要我注意的,其實是避免自己掉入這個狀態。其實我這幾年説最多的就是——何必那麽急,甚至走路的步伐也放慢了,但在情感的部分看來,還是太急了。

是的我是真的會因爲時間緊迫而爆炸的人。

不要取悅他人

In a nutshell, “fawning” is the use of people-pleasing to diffuse conflict, feel more secure in relationships, and earn the approval of others.

Sam Dylan Finch – 7 Subtle Signs Your Trauma Response Is People-Pleasing

有點有趣,雖然自稱死仔包,雖然我不太常承諾人東西。但是在很多事情上,尤其是公事我很常是願意去配合的人。

If you’re a fawn type, you’re likely very focused on showing up in a way that makes those around you feel comfortable, and in more toxic relationships, to avoid conflict.

But the downside to this is that you’re not necessarily being your most authentic self. The more you fawn and appease others, the more likely you are to feel unknown to others, even in your close relationships.

在愛戀關係裏面,我的確寬容度是比較大的就是。相對於一般朋友,我對另一半的確會做得比較多。

Your catchphrase might even be something like “it’s no trouble at all, really!”

這幾年我從越來越多的義務活動上退了下來,而且本來就不太對外界的要求點頭。但對一些我覺得舉手之勞的事,我的確很常説這句。

We need an outlet for our emotions, but having emotions can be sooo off-putting, right? So we unload them onto people we aren’t yet invested in, that we won’t see again, or where a safe distance (like on social media) is in place.

部分是准確的,至少在最近這段戀愛關係裏,清楚知道的除了阿甘外,另外就是一個暫時還沒機會見面的網友。但阿甘的部分,其實説不熟不太準確,畢竟是兩隻老虎的共同創辦人,只是他住很遠也是真的。

You might make a lot of excuses for the lousy behavior of other people, defaulting to self-blame. You might get angry, only to feel like an Actual Monster for having feelings at all five minutes later. You might even feel like you’re not “allowed” to be upset with other people.

其實除了對另一半外,我最常發火的對象是電話support咧,但偶爾因爲decision maker不是他們,所以我偶爾也會對他們不好意思。但更常發生的是,我已經極度配合,但對方給我的回復就是一開始我就錯。這種我就不會太客氣。

是的,當我在電話跟裏頭的人吵架時,生人勿近。

We’re trying to anticipate someone else’s happiness, because deep down, we feel responsible for it — and are trying everything in our power to ensure that the people we care about aren’t disappointed.

偶爾會這樣,但其實同樣的思考模式會放在「我到底做了什麽讓你們如此對待我?」,比如約的人慣性遲到,然後就會發生這種事

This can be difficult to notice at first. You might think of yourself as being agreeable, good at compromise, easy to get along with. But if you pay attention to the conversations you’re having, you might notice you’re a little too agreeable — to the point of validating viewpoints that you don’t really, fully agree with.

的確,在一些我覺得無所謂的事情我是會如剛才説的,會配合。這一段是咨商師特別highlight的部分。

Fawning often requires that we shut down emotionally. The less we have distinct feelings of our own, the easier it is to adapt to and accommodate the emotions of other people.

其實有一陣子,很多人覺得我很尖銳。也不知道是自己覺得不在意了,還是不表態漸漸變成一種慣性。不知道是不是年紀漸長的關係,有時候預見有些事需要花很多時間解釋的時候,會懶惰(畢竟在建構arguments的時候需要思考)。

If we feel that “fawning” is failing us in an argument, that it won’t work with a particular person, or that we just don’t know how to please someone, we might check out emotionally, or rely on other “escapist” mechanisms so that we no longer have to engage.

Disengage的確是我這幾年對一些事情的應對方式,比如我不再覺得跟反同婚(或其他Ideology差異)的人爭論是個productive的事情。當然我沒事也不會去挑起這個話題,或主動去結識這些人。

It can be painful to constantly silence yourself and push your emotions away, all while working overtime to anticipate the emotions of other people.

所以這回到情緒調節部分了,我對事情的應對方式某程度忽略和壓抑了自己的情感需求(也就是上面説的Suppression)。

接下來的部分,是接下來咨商要談到的事情——Chronic Loneliness。

慢性孤獨

Chronic loneliness occurs when feelings of loneliness and uncomfortable social isolation go on for a long period of time. It’s characterized by constant and unrelenting feelings of being alone, separated or divided from others, and an inability to connect on a deeper level. It can also be accompanied by deeply rooted feelings of inadequacy, poor self-esteem, and self-loathing.

Cigna- Signs and Symptoms of Chronic Loneliness

某程度,在上一段戀愛關係裏頭,我也并沒有找到想象中的依靠。雖然説在情感上我是頗爲依賴他物理上的存在來宣泄,但是除此之外很多事情都是我自己在面對(有時需要他安慰的當下他不在)。幾次沒有滿足他需求,進而成爲他口中不夠愛他的那個人的確讓我很挫敗。

必須説自從好幾年前那一段結束後,這種孤獨的感覺的確有越來越强烈,尤其是經過了兩年多瘟疫的煎熬。但説到第一次有這種感覺,大概就是在我人在Semenyih研究生年代,第一次分手後病到滾來滾去的那時候。那是第一次如此深刻感受到無助。在此之前,由於身邊總有朋友陪伴從來都不覺得戀愛是個必要,但搬出去大病時才覺得原來孤獨is a thing。

這種感覺一開始就沒結束,尤其是身邊朋友們開始結婚去了,朋友圍繞的日子也漸漸成爲一種奢侈。

Inability to connect with others on a deeper, more intimate level. Maybe you have friends and family in your life, but engagement with them is at a very surface level. Your interaction doesn’t feel connected in a way that is fulfilling and this disconnection seems never ending.

我的確比較少跟太多人聊比較私密的事情,除了另一半就是爲數不到五人的好友。在結束戀愛關係后,最要好那位也忙與家庭,也某程度更減少了傾訴的管道。

No close or “best” friends. You have friends, but they are casual friends or acquaintances and you feel you can find no one who truly “gets” you.

如上,我的確不太喜歡跟太多人談太深層的事情。或許是不善於面對離別這件事情吧,從小到大每當終於get comfortable enough to跟別人開始聊比較深的事情時,那個朋友就會因爲家庭的緣故離開我的社交圈。經過幾次后,本來就比較少跟別人聊心事的我,就自然更難有這樣的朋友。

或許某程度也可以解讀為一開始我在這裏寫的東西頗多的原因吧。沒找到知心朋友,就寫日記吧,很多年前老師教過。

Overwhelming feeling of isolation regardless of where you are and who’s around. You can be at a party surrounded by dozens of people and, yet, you feel isolated, separate, and disengaged. At work, you may feel alienated and alone. Same on a bus, train, or walking down a busy street. It’s as if you’re in your own unbreakable bubble.

所以這幾年(尤其是瘟疫過去後),我有在試圖在綫下多出席一些活動(比如第一次的彩虹G跟剛過去的彩虹節)。説實在還是有點懷念那個大馬部落活動很多的那個年代,但大家好像都move on了,或者也不熱衷於綫下活動了。

When you try to connect or reach out, it’s not reciprocated, and you’re not seen or heard.

沒有特別想要reach out,但分手後我在社交媒體上發的一些文章意外得到朋友的關懷。在這裏感謝大家的支持和安慰。

Exhaustion and burn out when trying to engage socially. If you’re dealing with chronic loneliness, trying to engage and be social with others can leave you feeling exhausted. Continued feelings of being drained can lead to other issues like sleep problems, a weakened immune system, poor diet, and more.

最近出席彩虹節的確讓我發現我對這種人很多的聚會很不自在,這幾年睡很不好倒也是真的。

Some studies even suggest that there may be a link between loneliness and an increased risk for developing dementia and Alzheimer’s.

Long term feelings of loneliness and social isolation can also reduce cognitive skills, such as the ability to concentrate, make decisions, problem-solve, and even change negative self-beliefs. And it can ultimately lead to depression.

這聽起來很可怕,尤其是看到我失智的婆婆如今的模樣。

至於應對方式

Talk to your doctor, a therapist, or another health care professional. Chronic loneliness isn’t limited to feelings of social isolation and alienation from others. It is often tied to ongoing and deeply rooted negative beliefs about yourself that can eventually lead to other medical and emotional problems. Let someone know what’s going on.

這就是來臨咨商師要跟我討論的事情。

Engage with other people in a positive, healthy way. Even though it may be difficult, try making the effort to connect with others. Volunteering, hobby clubs, workout groups, and other opportunities, can help boost self-esteem and provide a safe and satisfying way to connect with others.

如剛才説的,也是我最近正在做的事情。

Get some exercise and sunlight. Getting active and out in the sunshine can help elevate endorphins and serotonin. These “brain hormones” can boost mood, help improve sleep, and make people feel happier.

運動倒是有持續在推自己持續下去。

Find a support group, especially if chronic loneliness is a side effect of some other issue you might be dealing with, such as substance use, loss of a loved one, loneliness from a divorce or break up, a chronic and isolating illness, etc. Receiving support and encouragement from others who may share similar feelings, could help ease symptoms of chronic loneliness.

好佳在身邊好友都很關心我就是,感謝大家 *撒花*

所以大致上,該讀的東西,也終於在快兩周后,約略讀了一遍。所以如他所説,我目前的burntout其中幾個來源的確跟忽視情感需求,跟慢性孤獨的部分有關。這也解釋了爲什麽同樣的情況,會周而復始發生。看來這不是一兩次就能説清楚,和解開的事情。就當作是一個重新好好認識自己的機會吧,我想。

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