情緒調節攻略
The benefits of reappraisal extend beyond the emotional realm. People who reappraise are less depressed, more satisfied with their lives, have higher self esteem, and greater optimism and well-being; they are also seen by others as more having closer relationships and being more likeable.
Amie M. Gordon, Ph.D. – The Good and Bad of Emotion Regulation Strategies
學會從不同角度解讀正在發生的事情，有助產生更爲正面的情緒。如之前説的，情緒的產生是基於對事件的判斷。如果改變對事情的看法，看來或許會有不同的後果。
When people are told to suppress their emotions during experiments, they express fewer negative emotions, but they still report experiencing as many negative emotions as people who aren’t told to suppress.
所以即便壓抑情緒，這些人仍然會感受到負面的情緒
Although suppression doesn’t dampen people’s experience of negative emotions (just their expression of them) it does seem to have an adverse effect on people’s positive emotions.
同樣的，正面的情緒也會因爲慣性的關係而受到壓抑。
People who suppress more also have less social support, avoid getting close to others, and are seen by peers as having fewer close relationships.
這就是咨商師希望告訴我的重點，情緒的表達可以在人際關係的建立發生效用。當一個人表達自己傷心的時候，身邊的人才會有機會接收到訊息而前往關切。
The key reason why suppression was associated with poor well-being and relationship quality? It made people feel inauthentic. Suppressing their emotions made people feel like they were holding back their true selves.
所以情感的表達，也是坦誠的一部分。
所以大致上都在重複以上説的，就是可以的話，不要當下急於反應。就算不能做到停下來，事後也要反省避免下次再度發生這樣。另一部分咨商師要我注意的，其實是避免自己掉入這個狀態。其實我這幾年説最多的就是——何必那麽急，甚至走路的步伐也放慢了，但在情感的部分看來，還是太急了。
是的我是真的會因爲時間緊迫而爆炸的人。
不要取悅他人
In a nutshell, “fawning” is the use of people-pleasing to diffuse conflict, feel more secure in relationships, and earn the approval of others.
Sam Dylan Finch – 7 Subtle Signs Your Trauma Response Is People-Pleasing
有點有趣，雖然自稱死仔包，雖然我不太常承諾人東西。但是在很多事情上，尤其是公事我很常是願意去配合的人。
If you’re a fawn type, you’re likely very focused on showing up in a way that makes those around you feel comfortable, and in more toxic relationships, to avoid conflict.
But the downside to this is that you’re not necessarily being your most authentic self. The more you fawn and appease others, the more likely you are to feel unknown to others, even in your close relationships.
在愛戀關係裏面，我的確寬容度是比較大的就是。相對於一般朋友，我對另一半的確會做得比較多。
Your catchphrase might even be something like “it’s no trouble at all, really!”
這幾年我從越來越多的義務活動上退了下來，而且本來就不太對外界的要求點頭。但對一些我覺得舉手之勞的事，我的確很常説這句。
We need an outlet for our emotions, but having emotions can be sooo off-putting, right? So we unload them onto people we aren’t yet invested in, that we won’t see again, or where a safe distance (like on social media) is in place.
部分是准確的，至少在最近這段戀愛關係裏，清楚知道的除了阿甘外，另外就是一個暫時還沒機會見面的網友。但阿甘的部分，其實説不熟不太準確，畢竟是兩隻老虎的共同創辦人，只是他住很遠也是真的。
You might make a lot of excuses for the lousy behavior of other people, defaulting to self-blame. You might get angry, only to feel like an Actual Monster for having feelings at all five minutes later. You might even feel like you’re not “allowed” to be upset with other people.
其實除了對另一半外，我最常發火的對象是電話support咧，但偶爾因爲decision maker不是他們，所以我偶爾也會對他們不好意思。但更常發生的是，我已經極度配合，但對方給我的回復就是一開始我就錯。這種我就不會太客氣。
是的，當我在電話跟裏頭的人吵架時，生人勿近。
We’re trying to anticipate someone else’s happiness, because deep down, we feel responsible for it — and are trying everything in our power to ensure that the people we care about aren’t disappointed.
偶爾會這樣，但其實同樣的思考模式會放在「我到底做了什麽讓你們如此對待我？」，比如約的人慣性遲到，然後就會發生這種事。
This can be difficult to notice at first. You might think of yourself as being agreeable, good at compromise, easy to get along with. But if you pay attention to the conversations you’re having, you might notice you’re a little too agreeable — to the point of validating viewpoints that you don’t really, fully agree with.
的確，在一些我覺得無所謂的事情我是會如剛才説的，會配合。這一段是咨商師特別highlight的部分。
Fawning often requires that we shut down emotionally. The less we have distinct feelings of our own, the easier it is to adapt to and accommodate the emotions of other people.
其實有一陣子，很多人覺得我很尖銳。也不知道是自己覺得不在意了，還是不表態漸漸變成一種慣性。不知道是不是年紀漸長的關係，有時候預見有些事需要花很多時間解釋的時候，會懶惰（畢竟在建構arguments的時候需要思考）。
If we feel that “fawning” is failing us in an argument, that it won’t work with a particular person, or that we just don’t know how to please someone, we might check out emotionally, or rely on other “escapist” mechanisms so that we no longer have to engage.
Disengage的確是我這幾年對一些事情的應對方式，比如我不再覺得跟反同婚（或其他Ideology差異）的人爭論是個productive的事情。當然我沒事也不會去挑起這個話題，或主動去結識這些人。
It can be painful to constantly silence yourself and push your emotions away, all while working overtime to anticipate the emotions of other people.
所以這回到情緒調節部分了，我對事情的應對方式某程度忽略和壓抑了自己的情感需求（也就是上面説的Suppression）。
RSS - Posts