這陣子被甩，爲了讓自己情緒沉澱一陣子，就趁著去愛爾蘭公幹兼旅游為藉口，推遲了見面的時間。本來一切都好好的，過了一陣子（其實也有警告過）對方也不再那邊反悔閙要複合。等到終於攢滿勇氣，回到前度那邊帶走我留在那邊的一些日用品時，未料卻在臨走時遭到反鎖。説實在的，除了驚恐外，當下更多的是惱怒。
一直到從對方口中説出，把我當成人生的燈塔后，就瞬間把我思緒拉回諮商的那天。還記得當天，被問及如果重來一次我會有怎樣的改變。反鎖的那刻雖然是一片空白，但過了大概一星期后我想應該可以回答了。
拯救怨懟懊悔的無限輪回
Codependents are often caretakers which seems like a great quality except we tend to do it at our own expense and often when help isnt wanted or needed. The result is a codependent pattern of rescuing, resenting, and regretting.
Rescuing, Resenting, and Regretting: A Codependent Pattern – Sharon Martin, LCSW
雖然很多朋友比如阿甘問我爲什麽當對方是小孩來照顧，我都會説他不能自理，但或許某程度會不會是我多想了？或許阿甘説得對，人家好歹也大我一輪，能活到現在總有自己的處世能力，雖然在哪幾個月的相處并沒有說服我就是。
Rescuing is an unhealthy version of helping. It resembles enabling and tries to change or fix other people.
或許我並沒有試圖改變他行爲，但某程度卻不得不承認我的縱容讓他少了個動機去比如説認路。
To distinguish rescuing from true helping, its useful to question your motivation for helping and expectations regarding the outcome. True help is given with an open heart, with no strings attached, and no expectations.
幫助應該是出自真心，且無償的。
Its done because we want to help not because we feel like we have to or because well feel guilty if we dont.
不該因爲拒絕時，而感到愧疚。或者在對方指責說因爲沒伸出援手所以怎樣怎樣時，也不自責。
And it doesnt foster dependence by doing things for others that they can do for themselves.
成長難免撞板，或許撞幾次就學會呢？不過這一切也無所謂了，畢竟也已經分了，也沒我的事情了。
Helping out of obligation rather than because you want to (people-pleasing)
説到這個拯救的例子時，某程度這個例子呼應了我在工作上的態度。
Rescuing gives us a purpose; it makes us feel needed, which is something codependents crave. Were prone to low self-esteem, so rescuing becomes our identity and help us feel important or worthwhile.
我有點懷疑這個publishing system是不是把apostrophe都拿掉了。
必須承認我self-esteem本來就不是很高，尤其是在一段情感關係裏面。或許這個statement是成立的，在不自覺的狀態下，我覺得提出幫助是爲了在另一半心中刷存在感？
It tends to be the result of dysfunctional family dynamics, cultural roles, and societal expectations.
這樣的行爲是來自失調的家庭互動嗎？所以從小到大都被家人認爲笨手笨脚也算嗎？
Often, early experiences of feeling out of control and ineffective get imprinted on us and as adults, we repeat our failed efforts to rescue people without being consciously aware of the connection between the past and present.
好的，下一段就回答了。
Many of us continue rescuing behaviors in adulthood because we were taught its what we should do and we havent stopped to consider whether its working or whether we have other choices.
某程度這也是蜘蛛人臺詞的變調版吧？
We think its our duty or job to take care of everyone and everything.
這是其中一個拯救者會出手的一個理由，某程度我想很多長子長女都會有共同的經驗吧。
We believe others will suffer if we dont rescue them.
好啦好啦，以後不會這樣了。
We think we know better than others and have the answers to their problems.
或許適時學會放手，也會是個學習的契機吧，我想。
In the beginning, codependents have a rescue fantasy: We think we can rescue our loved one and fix her problems. And as a result, shell be happy and grateful. And well feel loved, appreciated, and valued.
*顯示利刃穿心*
Instead, our failed rescue attempts leave us feeling hurt, angry, and resentful.
嗯，事實上我真的剛從一個不斷指認為不夠愛他的關係中抽離出來。
Understandably, we often get anger in return from the person we just tried to help.
Well，是這樣沒錯。
Our rescuing becomes enabling and although we realize its not going to change our loved ones behavior, we continue the pattern of rescuing, resenting, and regretting.
就一個無限loop的概念。
If you feel taken advantage of by those youre trying to help, the solution is to stop throwing on your Superman cape and running to the rescue.
同樣的行爲，除了戀愛關係中，我也得學會在工作中不要這樣。雖然最後可能對我有助益，但或許我沒有必要對公司提出去上課來更好地做好可能一開始就沒有要指派給我的新項目？
We mistakenly think that rescuing others is the solution to our feelings of resentment and regret, but in reality, rescuing is the source of these difficult feelings.
的確是，過度遷就對方的索求，是個沒有止境的噩夢。
In addition to resentment and regret, it results in self-neglect and missing out on our own lives because were so focused on others. Sometimes, we lose our interests, goals, values, and health.
其實我最後跟他起冲突的時候，是發現他的控制欲已經伸到了我日常的生活。但對於工作，我似乎忍耐度更高一點，或許這也是我這麽快就受不了而burntout的原因。
Refrain from giving advice or help that wasnt requested.
或許我該學會的，是看清楚我在工作上想要真正達成的是什麽吧。
Codependent thinking and behavior patterns are notoriously hard to break because they were established early in life and reinforced for years and years. That doesnt mean its impossible to change; it just means that youll need to practice a lot, have patience, and be kind to yourself.
或許在工作上，很大程度的過度commit是來自很多年前失敗的研究生生活。看到最後那句be kind to yourself，有點想哭。
幫助和拯救的區別
A common hesitation from participants is, “I don’t know how I would react if they said; no, I am not OK”.
Helper vs Rescuer – Oliver Brecht
其實有陣子，老闆有在周會問我們狀態。我試過很誠實答不OK連續兩次后（情緒難免有低落的時候，但我忘了爲什麽），就被約談。某程度我也不懂要如何面對他的逼問。
This can be achieved through them engaging in their known support strategies, or maybe engaging in professional support.
但另一方面，我上司是很敏銳察覺到我看起來很疲憊的事情，所以才建議我去諮商。
Being a helper is where we help the individual uncover the path forward.
某程度我算是很感謝上司的support的。
As humans we all have a “righting reflex” within us. That want and desire to assist someone immediately when we see them in pain and know a way to reduce that pain.
有一句話授人以魚不如授人以漁，精確點出兩者分別。有時候情急之下，直接出手無疑比較快。
You need to be with, not do with to assist someone to move forward. And sitting with someone, although it is daunting, it’s something we can all do.
但長遠來説，教授比施援更好一些。當然，代價就是時間和耐心。
Rescuing on the other hand is where we take responsibility for the person’s “recovery” from the issue.
就跟諮商時説的一樣，仙丹擺在受害人前面，拯救者會把人家吃不吃的責任攬在自己身上。
The issue with rescuing is that the outcomes are not positive, and at best will resolve the issue only momentarily.
回到魚的問題，的確是，把魚交到對方手上只是一時解決了當前的問題。
You can disempower the person through disallowing them the opportunity to take action. You also deny the opportunity for the individual to learn from the experience and learn good coping skills.
我想在情感關係上我會如此上心，或許源自我習慣預先設想最壞情況。
Another major issue is that you put yourself at risk. Firstly the stress of trying to relieve someone’s distress can be immense, particularly if your immediate actions don’t seem to have any affect.
的確是，世事難料。
Secondly, you can also become the villain by promising to do something and not coming through or evoking the change you said it would. This can result in the person feeling let down and potentially blaming you for the position they find themselves in.
甚至拒絕後所做的補償，也被視爲一種失敗。或許對另一半，我需要學會更狠一點，跟對待朋友一樣嗎？
Just being with someone can be an immense help and something which may not help immediately, but plant the seed of change in the individual for the future.
有時候在旁陪伴，而不是急於出手已經足矣。
這篇筆記整理得有點凌亂，主要是因爲我在戀愛關係和工作上都有相當類似的狀況。剛才説到重來一次我行爲會有什麽改變，其實這個假設的問題曾經發生過一次。這段關係從一開始，根本就走不下去。曾經有一次我非常堅決拒絕了很小的請求，對方就一副你不答應是否就不夠愛我，甚至最後搬出我之前對他來説不當的行爲來guilt-trip我。同理可證，如果時光倒流我們重來，如果我很認真拒絕他所有無理的請求，我們其實很早就已經走不下去了。
我終究不是他要的那個人，我也終究成全不了他所有的需求。
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