無賴騎駿馬肆意翔遊天際

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人總要學會自强不息的諮商筆記

這陣子終於狠下心封鎖了前度的糾纏,本來是想説退追蹤退好友就好,結果一被説絕情讓我整個惱羞,加上朋友的慫恿下就直接封鎖。幹羚羊,是要對你多寬容,我被甩我還想説大家好聚好散我惡言都沒説過,糾纏不清的又不是我。不過封鎖至今總算耳根清净,至於他會不會騷擾我朋友,我也約略在交友網站説過,至於演算法打算讓多少個人看那就不是我的事了。

這次諮商功課延續上一次的話題,第一篇主要是關於學習性無助這件事情。

學習性無助的因果

Research on what is known as learned helplessness has shown that when people feel like they have no control over what happens, they tend to simply give up and accept their fate.

What Is Learned Helplessness and Why Does it Happen?Kendra Cherry

才看這句就已經很確定不是我的形容詞,畢竟本少爺出名頸項搽過印度神油,就算明知不可行還是偶爾發生硬要去撞板這樣。

Learned helplessness occurs when an animal is repeatedly subjected to an aversive stimulus that it cannot escape.

其實就是回應諮商時聼到的那幾個故事。

When people feel that they have no control over their situation, they may begin to behave in a helpless manner. This inaction can lead people to overlook opportunities for relief or change.

其實對於他的糾纏,我的應對的確是有隨著時間升級的。只是我一直猶豫著不要去封鎖,一面是不希望鼓勵他開小號追蹤,二來也不希望閙很僵。奈何所有的善意,卻在對方眼裏看成別的可能。但就是我一直停在躊躇和爲難,而不斷的抱怨,或許在外人眼裏是一種拖拉和不作爲。

我還是覺得在面對情感面上,過於決斷感覺很無情。但經過這陣子幾次諮商后,對無視自己善意的人寬容,實際上是對自己的無情。寬容和善意,還是得留給懂得珍惜的人。

Learned helplessness has also been associated with several different psychological disorders. Depression, anxiety, phobias, shyness, and loneliness can all be exacerbated by learned helplessness.

某程度這種後天學會來的無助,會使得一個人因此局限了自己的想法,進而覺得困頓無有得解,因此誘發各種心理疾病也不足爲奇。

For example, a woman who feels shy in social situations may eventually begin to feel that there is nothing she can do to overcome her symptoms.

最糟的情況是,因爲這種負面的回饋,是會以無止儘地輪回,這個人很有可能因此不再接觸人群。這樣一來,對多人場合的恐懼會逐漸增長,漸漸地會讓她更加無法鼓起勇氣踏出第一步跟別人攀談。

Researchers have found, however, that learned helplessness does not always generalize across all settings and situations.

好在這種無助并不一定會延展到生活的方方面面。

Learned helplessness often originates in childhood, and unreliable or unresponsive caregivers can contribute to these feelings.

想想也是可怕的,如果一個小孩很早就放在一個無論做什麽都沒得到救助的環境下,的確有很大幾率會不自覺成爲這樣的人。

When children need help but no one comes to their aid, they may be left feeling that nothing they do will change their situation.

聽起來就很絕望。

Learned helplessness can also result in anxiety, depression, or both. When kids feel that they’ve had no control over the past events of their lives, they gain the expectation that future events will be just as uncontrollable.

套回之前諮商聼回來的故事,這些人長大後很可能因此面臨困頓也會無所作爲。

Academic struggles can also potentially lead to feelings of learned helplessness. A child who makes an effort to do well but still does poorly may end up feeling that they have no control over their grades or performance.

其實求學生涯這樣的例子看得很多,我只是有幸在學校的環境學東西相對足夠快,但身邊一直有很多需要更多不同方式去學習的同學。但同時,我也覺得很多生活中很重要的技能,在僵化的教育制度下變得毫無樂趣,也因爲過於抽象的關係,沒有人知道我們爲何要學那些東西。用一個經典的《那些年我們一起追的女孩》的例子,誰還記得log到底是學來幹嘛?(其實是X次方的反面,就如果你想知道某數值是X多少次方,就把那個數字用log base X運算出答案即可,但我們離題了)

剛才説,在一方面的無助不一定延展到其他方面,但我身邊這些同學,的確很多因此對數理其他科系產生無助感。前陣子我因一次意外的機緣綫上爲了個網友輔導課業,也不懂是不是突然間information overload的關係,明明我前兩分鐘才解釋清楚一個概念,也確認對方聼進去,但後來要用同樣的概念連接和延展另一個概念時,卻鬼打墻無論如何就是連不上。但只要分開問,就沒問題。

會不會有可能,是因爲一開始就認定學不會,所以在不相信自己可以學懂的情況下,得花費更多時間和精神去跨越那個障礙?

Learned helplessness may also contribute to feelings of anxiety and may influence the onset, severity, and persistence of conditions such as generalized anxiety disorder (GAD).

撇開感情的部分,其實我在想我在工作上目前遇到的困境(但我覺得可能要另外寫一篇好了),是否也是處於自我設限的無助?但想想我與其説是無助,更像是有點病態的讓一切成事。某程度,在工作上的部分我比較接近拯救型心態多一點。雖然近年也有所改善,但還是常常,尤其是這一份工作,丟到一個看我死不死的水坑這樣。這次死不了,那就換個深一點的。

有時候我真的不知道,水最終會多深,會不會哪天我就不再掙扎了。

Because of this, people who are experiencing mental health issues such as anxiety or depression may refuse medications or therapy that may help relieve their symptoms.

但同時間,我也不知道是不是精神科庸醫很多,時至今日我還是很常聽到勸告別人不要吃精神科藥物的勸告。生病就是要看醫生,看醫生就是要吃藥,如果對原本的醫生有所疑慮,該做的是多看幾個醫生,而不是堅決不吃藥不求醫。

不要勸人不吃藥不看醫生幹羚羊。

Attribution or explanatory styles may also play a role in determining how people are impacted by learned helplessness.

一念天堂,一念地獄。一個人習慣如何詮釋解讀人生的困境,可以影響想法,進而會有不同做法。

Research suggests that learned helplessness can be successfully decreased, particularly if intervention occurs during early onset. Long-term learned helplessness can also be reduced, although it may require longer-term effort.

人腦其實某程度跟電腦一樣,給予足夠的耐心,和對的舉措,總會有改善的可能的。

Cognitive-behavioral therapy is a form of psychotherapy that can be beneficial in overcoming the thinking and behavioral patterns that contribute to learned helplessness.

CBT是心理治療的其中一個school of thoughts吧,算是。如果這種自我設限的無助,可以是一種後天學會的東西,那學會樂觀會非常重要。由於這部分不太像是我的困擾,那我就不贅述了。

DEAR MAN

上次沒說太清楚的,是DEAR MAN「心法」。

Dialectical behavior therapy skills (DBT skills) offer tips for emotion regulation, distress tolerance, mindfulness, The Middle Path, and interpersonal effectiveness.

所以又是一個新的分支,這次針對的是如何提出要求。

DEAR MAN is a subskill of interpersonal effectiveness. You can use it to resolve a conflict or make a request in a respectful and effective way that maintains a relationship.

我有説過之前想要提出一些事情的時候,雖然沒有系統化照著心法去做,但是大概的邏輯都差不多。

Describe the situation in a simple way. State only the facts in your description. At this point, you’re not expressing your feelings or asking for anything. You’re setting up for the conversation using facts.

首先建立一個前提,讓雙方get on the same page,避免混入情感。這是我本來就會做的事情,所以很多人覺得我不近人情大概就是這樣。

Express how you’re feeling using “I” statements. An “I” statement means that you’re taking accountability and prevents the other person from going into defense mode.

這時就要說清楚自己的立場,要坦誠,但同樣避免那種責怪的語氣。

Assert by either asking for your need or saying no firmly (depending on the situation). To “assert” your needs means that you are asking for what you want in a clear and strong way. Don’t beat around the bush or don’t allude to what you want.

直球對決説出你的要求

Reinforce by making sure that the other person knows why they should grant your request.

提出要求的時候也要顧及別人是否因此得利。把自己的利益建立在人家的犧牲上面,那只是存粹表示你仆街。

(stay) Mindful. Try not to become distracted by things going on around you. Instead, do your best to stay focused on the conversation. If the person you’re talking to is acting defensive, try to keep the conversation on course.

不要落入對方的無盡滑坡,不要隨之起舞扯開話題,一件事還一件事。

Appear Confident. Regardless of how you feel on the inside, present yourself as though you feel confident. Do this by keeping your head up, standing or sitting up straight, making direct eye contact, and speaking loudly and clearly.

就算底氣不足,也要裝作理直氣壯。但必須説的是,這套心法,不適合用來提出無理的要求。無理就是無理,不會因爲跟足心法就合理化。

Negotiate. Remember that you aren’t demanding anything, you’re asking for something. If the person you’re speaking with isn’t on board with your request, remember the phrase “give to get”. You might need to alter your request to make it more appealing to the other person. Have a conversation about how you might be able to resolve the problem together. In the end, you’ll be able to come to a solution that works for both of you.

底綫不要踩太硬,如果對方覺得無利可圖,在情況允許下或許可以考慮讓利。

其實歸根究底,就是不要流於情緒性發言。當然我可以預見太强勢的話,會流於我之前給人的印象——不近人情,但另一個極端就是情緒化的反饋。兩者都不見得是好的結果,但同時,若對方仗勢凌人,或者是個無理取鬧的人,你也吹不得人家漲就是。畢竟這關乎另一個人的事情,只要有與人的互動,事情就不可能說有個心法就天下無敵就是。

但不代表心法學來無用。

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